“Me too”

It’s been a year since my last post. So where do I start?  My name is Kristin and I am an alcoholic.  I have been sober for 523 days.  What have I learned since the last time I posted (1 year ago)?  The one relationship that has to be “right” in order for everything else to work, is my relationship with God.  Yep.  That about sums it all up.  Actually there is a little more to it for me than that.  In order for me to keep adding another 24 hours to that ticker….. I go to meetings several times a week.  I have a sponsor that I talk to frequently.  I sponsor other women in the program.  I work the 12 steps.  I have a close relationship with God.

So why post now? I have what I need.  I am sober today.  Go about your life Kristin.  I have neglected to update this page for a VERY long time and I am not quite sure why.  Oh I can give you of a lot reasons.  I don’t want to remind myself that I am an alcoholic on a daily basis.  I don’t want to be discovered.  I don’t need this page or this community anymore, after all I am sober.  The reality is…..Every day I wake up I have to remind myself of exactly who I am and what I am. But I need fellow alcoholics like I need oxygen.

My husband (my favorite recovering alcoholic) sent this quote to me this morning….”An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while isolating.” TRUTH!

Yep that’s us. I still struggle with letting the world know me.  Who I am, and how I feel, are two things I like to keep tucked deep inside of me.  You wouldn’t like me if you knew what I have done.  You wouldn’t want to be my friend if you heard the things I have thought.

This morning I picked up the phone to touch base with a friend in the program.  I just thought we would have a quick chat and go about our day.  Actually we talked for quite a while, reminding each other of what it was like, what happened, and what it is like today.  The fellowship I have with other alcoholics is how God speaks to me.  He guides me and directs me through people.  I learn about me.  I share who I am and what I am and in return they love me all the more for it.  Best two words I have heard in this program…..”ME TOO.”  Before AA I would hear someone’s story or challenge and say “Oh that’s too bad” or “I am sorry that happened to you, must feel awful.”  I would hide the fact that I been through a similar circumstance, so as not to be judged.  Now I realize that this is our primary purpose.  This is how we serve each other. To be perfectly imperfect and to reply “me too” to one another. That is how we grow spiritually.  I know now that is why I was blessed with the disease of alcoholism. I used to love to look at someone else’s life, sit back and judge them, feel sorry for them, listen to them but NEVER let them know me.  When I was asked to speak for the very first time at a meeting I was so scared to tell my story.  I prayed to God.  God help me be honest but I really don’t want to share “this” story or “that” story.  As I started to speak though, everything came hurling out.  As hard as I tried to hold certain things back, God pushed them right out of me.  All of the strength I had couldn’t keep this stuff inside. After that meeting I received a gift from God.  People shared their experiences with me.  Some said “Thank you for sharing that with us.  I had the exact same thing happen to me and your talk has really helped me.”  Others said “You have given me the courage to be honest.”  But the most important thing I heard was “me too.”  THAT is the gift we give each other.  That is how God speaks through us.

So almost a year and a half after my last drink I know some things about me. I get better every time I share my experience or feelings with another alcoholic.  I become more compassionate when they share their experience with me.  “We” free each other the moment we look into each other’s eyes and say….”me too”.

God brought me to my knees with this disease. Maybe I should stay there instead of getting up and running off the minute I feel better. :-)  This disease has taught me more about myself than I had learned in my previous 40 years before sobriety.  The most important thing it has taught me is that we are all on this earth just to walk each other home.  We get one step closer every time we say “Me too.”

Peace to you all today! And “me too”!


Celebrating 5 months!

kc

Celebrating 5 months of sobriety today! It’s been a while since I’ve written. I was thinking about shutting this site down. I asked my sponsor to take a peek before I did. I explained that I didn’t need it anymore. It had served its purpose for me. Writing on this blog helped me when I was too scared to make my way into the rooms of A.A. It allowed me to share my thoughts and my feelings when it was just too hard to do in person. We spoke on the phone last night and she explained to me that I owe it to others who are in the same position I was 5 months ago. It was in the blog world that I received my first support. You all saved me when I was just too scared to save myself. So I have decided that for the time being I will continue to share my story and hope that it will inspire others to start down the path of recovery.

This past weekend I visited my sister in Arkansas. While we were watching the Cardinals game one evening my brother in law said to me, “I don’t think you are really an alcoholic. I’ve never really seen you that drunk. Well, maybe 3 times I thought you may have had a bit too much wine, but that was it.” Now I found myself trying to convince him that I was in fact an alcoholic. This is a conversation I never thought I would have. It’s strange to try and explain to someone why you are the person you tried to pretend you were not. I told him about some of my drinking shenanigans. To which he replied, “That is funny as shit. You should write a book.”

It is getting more humorous the further away from it I get. At the time it was hard work hiding bottles of Vodka in my gym bag and unloading them at 5 AM at the local car wash dumpster. Nice! Now I am beginning to see some humor in that.

I also had another first this year. I went to my first parent/teacher conferences and choir performance SOBER. It was different. It was pretty cool not to have to worry if people could smell the booze in my Sonic cup or permeating from my pores.

I have an amazing new sponsor! I met her on the women’s retreat I attended. She is just my gift from God. As I always tell her, “God just plopped her right down in the middle of my life.” Thanks, God! I was so ashamed of the mother I had become, and she has really helped me work past some of those issues. Her first words to me after I asked her to be my sponsor were, “I will NEVER judge you.” Just what I needed to hear and the miraculous thing about that…..she never does. She lets me vent about how much I miss my old life sometimes. She says that I am completely normal for having those thoughts. Frankly, I think everyone should have a sponsor. Best thing EVER! 

I have increased the amount of meetings I attend. I feel God in those rooms. He is among us. I never had much of a relationship with God prior to recovery. I believed in God but had never really related to a God of my understanding. Now I have a VERY personal relationship with God. I talk to Him daily and He answers me daily. He is constantly working in my life and demanding I take action. It is an amazing feeling.

And finally this shit is just sometimes funny! I laugh my ass off in meetings. The stories I hear…the people I listen to….CRAZY GOOD LAUGHTER! I was in a meeting yesterday morning complaining about how much I hate fall now. I used to love it. Big glass of red wine…..okay, bottle, but whose counting anyway? This man in the room spoke up and said, “It gets easier. Soon you will stop associating the seasons with drinking, sports events with drinking and going to the dry cleaners with drinking.” That is some funny stuff right there and all true!

So that is what it is like for me at 5 months. Some days good and some days bad but everyday better than my best day drinking. Peace to all of you who so graciously helped me through these past 5 months!


Important things!

the spoon and the thimble

I am going on a retreat this weekend and while I am super excited about some much needed time to myself, I am slightly concerned about leaving my husband alone with the kids.  The last time he was in charge, I was sick in bed, and he sent this lovely photo to me.

danger

My oldest daughter is having cheerleading pictures taken this weekend that will be in our teams “Home” program for the season.  I explained to him that he will need to have her dressed and in full uniform by 7:30am Saturday morning.  I mentioned that her hair will need to be pulled back in a ponytail.  He responded, “Well I don’t know how to do that?”  Hmmmm…ten years and three daughters later….maybe a skill he could have picked up along the way?  This brings me to my list of things to teach my husband if I die.

  •  If…

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25 random things about me (the thimble)

Just a little something about me from my other blog…

the spoon and the thimble

098

1. I am a firm believer in Laser hair removal.
2. I am proud to be a military brat. I think it helps me make friends on the fly.
3. I was the designated driver on my 21st birthday.
4. I could exist on Mexican food alone.
5. My family knows to leave me alone, on Friday afternoon, when my People magazine arrives in the mail.
6. I don’t want to be buried in a dress…put me in some comfy sweats when I die.
7. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
8. My sister can make me laugh like no one else.
9. I am a stay at home mom and my husband still does the laundry…praise Jesus!
10. I love to cook but hate to clean up.
11. I eat the same breakfast EVERY morning……plain whole wheat english muffin and 1 poached egg….No I never get sick of it.
12…

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Just walk away…

god

I don’t know.  I have been thinking lately maybe I have a slight problem with alcohol?  The past 106 days have been like a ping pong match in my mind.

I am an alcoholic.

I am probably just over reacting. 

No. It is problematic at times.

You just needed to slow down.  You should be fine now.

You were a binge drinker.

Oh chill out.  Every one of your friends drinks.

Do you not remember the chaos that alcohol created?  Do you really want to go back to all that?

Stop acting crazy.  Go buy a bottle of wine and think it over some more.

The door was closed for me.  I’m just going to say thank you God and walk away and keep my eye out for the doors He has opened.


Rubbing coins instead of clinking glasses

Well, I made it to the 3 month marker.  Today I will collect my 3 month chip.  Cause for celebration!  Sober celebration?  4 months ago I could have made a party out of this lovely occasion.  I would have made a party out of ANY occasion, though.  YAY!  The kids got on the bus.  Hooray!  I went to the grocery store.  Good job, Kristin!  You made the beds and folded a load of laundry.  Break out the wine!  Let’s party!

Today, however, I woke up, did my morning meditation, quizzed my kids on their spelling words, sent them off to school and went to my PiYo (Pilates and Yogo) class.  Although I have gotten some things accomplished, I don’t feel the need to clink glasses with myself over these mundane tasks.  I came home, made myself a second cup of coffee and sat down to think about what has transpired over the last few months.  I can’t help but think about what today would look like if I hadn’t stopped drinking.  However, I am choosing to focus on the gift of recovery.  Thanks to recovery I get to feel this moment.  I get to feel the joy, and the fear, wash over me.  Before I lived in a world of chaos.  I was right where I chose to be.  I delighted in the confusion.  It was a way to block myself from hearing what my soul was quietly whispering to me.  Now, not every day feels good.  Some days I am sad.  Some days I am angry.  But EVERY day I feel it.  Before I couldn’t wait for the time to come in the day when I would poor a glass of wine and get to slowly stop feeling.  I would gradually slip far away.  I would drink to cover up all of my feelings and how I percieved the world was treating me.  I was filled with feelings or anxiety, people pleasing, guilt and shame.  Funny thing is, I honestly thought that I really just wanted a glass of wine to “chill out.”  In actuality I was running as fast as I could with my fingers tips in my ears trying to silence that voice inside me.

I am learning how to quiet the world around me and still myself so I can hear that inner voice.   She is my moral compass.  She lets me know what is right and what is wrong, but she is always kind.  She holds me accountable, but she doesn’t beat me up.  She guides me with confidence, and encourages me to be honest above all else.  I used to lock her away in fear she would embarrass me.  For 40 years I shushed and restrained her, and now I let her sing and dance like no one is watching!  Today we are drinking club sodas and we are gonna feel it all.


Truth

Truth


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