It’s been a year since my last post. So where do I start? My name is Kristin and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 523 days. What have I learned since the last time I posted (1 year ago)? The one relationship that has to be “right” in order for everything else to work, is my relationship with God. Yep. That about sums it all up. Actually there is a little more to it for me than that. In order for me to keep adding another 24 hours to that ticker….. I go to meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor that I talk to frequently. I sponsor other women in the program. I work the 12 steps. I have a close relationship with God.
So why post now? I have what I need. I am sober today. Go about your life Kristin. I have neglected to update this page for a VERY long time and I am not quite sure why. Oh I can give you of a lot reasons. I don’t want to remind myself that I am an alcoholic on a daily basis. I don’t want to be discovered. I don’t need this page or this community anymore, after all I am sober. The reality is…..Every day I wake up I have to remind myself of exactly who I am and what I am. But I need fellow alcoholics like I need oxygen.
My husband (my favorite recovering alcoholic) sent this quote to me this morning….”An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while isolating.” TRUTH!
Yep that’s us. I still struggle with letting the world know me. Who I am, and how I feel, are two things I like to keep tucked deep inside of me. You wouldn’t like me if you knew what I have done. You wouldn’t want to be my friend if you heard the things I have thought.
This morning I picked up the phone to touch base with a friend in the program. I just thought we would have a quick chat and go about our day. Actually we talked for quite a while, reminding each other of what it was like, what happened, and what it is like today. The fellowship I have with other alcoholics is how God speaks to me. He guides me and directs me through people. I learn about me. I share who I am and what I am and in return they love me all the more for it. Best two words I have heard in this program…..”ME TOO.” Before AA I would hear someone’s story or challenge and say “Oh that’s too bad” or “I am sorry that happened to you, must feel awful.” I would hide the fact that I been through a similar circumstance, so as not to be judged. Now I realize that this is our primary purpose. This is how we serve each other. To be perfectly imperfect and to reply “me too” to one another. That is how we grow spiritually. I know now that is why I was blessed with the disease of alcoholism. I used to love to look at someone else’s life, sit back and judge them, feel sorry for them, listen to them but NEVER let them know me. When I was asked to speak for the very first time at a meeting I was so scared to tell my story. I prayed to God. God help me be honest but I really don’t want to share “this” story or “that” story. As I started to speak though, everything came hurling out. As hard as I tried to hold certain things back, God pushed them right out of me. All of the strength I had couldn’t keep this stuff inside. After that meeting I received a gift from God. People shared their experiences with me. Some said “Thank you for sharing that with us. I had the exact same thing happen to me and your talk has really helped me.” Others said “You have given me the courage to be honest.” But the most important thing I heard was “me too.” THAT is the gift we give each other. That is how God speaks through us.
So almost a year and a half after my last drink I know some things about me. I get better every time I share my experience or feelings with another alcoholic. I become more compassionate when they share their experience with me. “We” free each other the moment we look into each other’s eyes and say….”me too”.
God brought me to my knees with this disease. Maybe I should stay there instead of getting up and running off the minute I feel better. :-) This disease has taught me more about myself than I had learned in my previous 40 years before sobriety. The most important thing it has taught me is that we are all on this earth just to walk each other home. We get one step closer every time we say “Me too.”
Peace to you all today! And “me too”!