Just walk away…

god

I don’t know.  I have been thinking lately maybe I have a slight problem with alcohol?  The past 106 days have been like a ping pong match in my mind.

I am an alcoholic.

I am probably just over reacting. 

No. It is problematic at times.

You just needed to slow down.  You should be fine now.

You were a binge drinker.

Oh chill out.  Every one of your friends drinks.

Do you not remember the chaos that alcohol created?  Do you really want to go back to all that?

Stop acting crazy.  Go buy a bottle of wine and think it over some more.

The door was closed for me.  I’m just going to say thank you God and walk away and keep my eye out for the doors He has opened.

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9 responses to “Just walk away…

  • Lisa Neumann

    You really touched my heart today. Thank you! What a powerful post. These moments are so victorious for all of us in recovery. Great job.

  • sherryd32148

    106 days is just about the point I relapsed. My brain started ping-ponging and outright LYING to me and I convinced myself that I was FINE for all the reasons you listed. A therapist once told me that 3-4 months is a very dangerous time when you get sober.

    The second time I knew what was going to happen so I ignored all that crap when it started up. I, like you, started looking AHEAD instead of behind. It all worked out much better that way for me.

    I know it will for you also.

    Sherry

    • recoveringkristin

      Thank God my kids keep me too busy this time off year to even think about drinking. Not sure how I did it all before when I was half crocked??? Three kids with school and all he extra curricular activities….whew! I don’t take sobriety for granted though. One thing is clear to me. I am never safe or cured! Just grateful I didn’t drink yesterday and praying I don’t today. Always great to hear from you Sherry! Thanks for the comment:-)

  • Riversurfer

    I think that you are so brave to so honestly put words to the thoughts that are buzzing around in your head. I had the very same thoughts years ago, but did’nt want to give in to the thought that I’ve become addicted to alcohol, because that meant that I would have to give up alcohol for ever and ever! Noooo it was an unbareable thought… But, the problem only grew larger until I could’nt cope any longer. I had to choose; death by alcohol or I could choose life.

    I’m not saying that this is you, or that you will reach any similar point. You are on your very own unique journey, and I admire you for your strength and insight. No matter what conclusion you’ll eventually reach, I know you will do well.

    All the best!

    • recoveringkristin

      Thank you so much! It really is a struggle some days. My therapist tells me every time I hear that voice saying “You don’t have a problem”, that is my alcoholism talking. I just have to shut her down. She likes to talk a lot:-)

      Hope you have a great weekend. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. It always helps!
      Kristin

      • Riversurfer

        I’m thinking that the alcoholic’s sole purpose is to drink alcohol. And when the alcoholic does not drink alcohol, we allow another conscience to grow – in Swedish we call it the recovery-personality. And so I see myself with sort of a split personality; the recovery one that wants to live life and the alcoholic personality that whispers tricky suggestions – such as that I might just have made all of this up! That I’m not really an alcoholic at all hahaa I really do have such thoughts, but that’s just because the alcoholic-me wants to return to drinking.

        At rehab a therapist drew a large circle on the whiteboard and called it the addict-personality. Inside he drew a tiny little circle which he called the recovery-personality. The longer I work in recovery and remain sober, the more that tiny little circle will grow. And the big big addict-circle will shrink. My goal is to have those two circles swap places, I want to grow in recovery and hope to see the alcoholic-me shrink into a pea-sized circle 🙂

        I hope you too enjoy a brilliant weekend, take care!

      • recoveringkristin

        Oh I love that visual! I’m gonna start thinking about that as well. That’s GREAT. 🙂

  • Running From the Booze

    Oh, the chatter! That damn booze brain tries to start up with me, too. It used to make me feel so bad until I learned that it’s the booze creeping. I can go days feeling fine and then I get a reminder. These days when it starts, I read blogs, I think back to the first days and sometimes I just mentally swat the thoughts away. Here’s to 107!

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