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Celebrating 5 months!

kc

Celebrating 5 months of sobriety today! It’s been a while since I’ve written. I was thinking about shutting this site down. I asked my sponsor to take a peek before I did. I explained that I didn’t need it anymore. It had served its purpose for me. Writing on this blog helped me when I was too scared to make my way into the rooms of A.A. It allowed me to share my thoughts and my feelings when it was just too hard to do in person. We spoke on the phone last night and she explained to me that I owe it to others who are in the same position I was 5 months ago. It was in the blog world that I received my first support. You all saved me when I was just too scared to save myself. So I have decided that for the time being I will continue to share my story and hope that it will inspire others to start down the path of recovery.

This past weekend I visited my sister in Arkansas. While we were watching the Cardinals game one evening my brother in law said to me, “I don’t think you are really an alcoholic. I’ve never really seen you that drunk. Well, maybe 3 times I thought you may have had a bit too much wine, but that was it.” Now I found myself trying to convince him that I was in fact an alcoholic. This is a conversation I never thought I would have. It’s strange to try and explain to someone why you are the person you tried to pretend you were not. I told him about some of my drinking shenanigans. To which he replied, “That is funny as shit. You should write a book.”

It is getting more humorous the further away from it I get. At the time it was hard work hiding bottles of Vodka in my gym bag and unloading them at 5 AM at the local car wash dumpster. Nice! Now I am beginning to see some humor in that.

I also had another first this year. I went to my first parent/teacher conferences and choir performance SOBER. It was different. It was pretty cool not to have to worry if people could smell the booze in my Sonic cup or permeating from my pores.

I have an amazing new sponsor! I met her on the women’s retreat I attended. She is just my gift from God. As I always tell her, “God just plopped her right down in the middle of my life.” Thanks, God! I was so ashamed of the mother I had become, and she has really helped me work past some of those issues. Her first words to me after I asked her to be my sponsor were, “I will NEVER judge you.” Just what I needed to hear and the miraculous thing about that…..she never does. She lets me vent about how much I miss my old life sometimes. She says that I am completely normal for having those thoughts. Frankly, I think everyone should have a sponsor. Best thing EVER! 

I have increased the amount of meetings I attend. I feel God in those rooms. He is among us. I never had much of a relationship with God prior to recovery. I believed in God but had never really related to a God of my understanding. Now I have a VERY personal relationship with God. I talk to Him daily and He answers me daily. He is constantly working in my life and demanding I take action. It is an amazing feeling.

And finally this shit is just sometimes funny! I laugh my ass off in meetings. The stories I hear…the people I listen to….CRAZY GOOD LAUGHTER! I was in a meeting yesterday morning complaining about how much I hate fall now. I used to love it. Big glass of red wine…..okay, bottle, but whose counting anyway? This man in the room spoke up and said, “It gets easier. Soon you will stop associating the seasons with drinking, sports events with drinking and going to the dry cleaners with drinking.” That is some funny stuff right there and all true!

So that is what it is like for me at 5 months. Some days good and some days bad but everyday better than my best day drinking. Peace to all of you who so graciously helped me through these past 5 months!

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Important things!

the spoon and the thimble

I am going on a retreat this weekend and while I am super excited about some much needed time to myself, I am slightly concerned about leaving my husband alone with the kids.  The last time he was in charge, I was sick in bed, and he sent this lovely photo to me.

danger

My oldest daughter is having cheerleading pictures taken this weekend that will be in our teams “Home” program for the season.  I explained to him that he will need to have her dressed and in full uniform by 7:30am Saturday morning.  I mentioned that her hair will need to be pulled back in a ponytail.  He responded, “Well I don’t know how to do that?”  Hmmmm…ten years and three daughters later….maybe a skill he could have picked up along the way?  This brings me to my list of things to teach my husband if I die.

  •  If…

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25 random things about me (the thimble)

Just a little something about me from my other blog…

the spoon and the thimble

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1. I am a firm believer in Laser hair removal.
2. I am proud to be a military brat. I think it helps me make friends on the fly.
3. I was the designated driver on my 21st birthday.
4. I could exist on Mexican food alone.
5. My family knows to leave me alone, on Friday afternoon, when my People magazine arrives in the mail.
6. I don’t want to be buried in a dress…put me in some comfy sweats when I die.
7. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
8. My sister can make me laugh like no one else.
9. I am a stay at home mom and my husband still does the laundry…praise Jesus!
10. I love to cook but hate to clean up.
11. I eat the same breakfast EVERY morning……plain whole wheat english muffin and 1 poached egg….No I never get sick of it.
12…

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Just walk away…

god

I don’t know.  I have been thinking lately maybe I have a slight problem with alcohol?  The past 106 days have been like a ping pong match in my mind.

I am an alcoholic.

I am probably just over reacting. 

No. It is problematic at times.

You just needed to slow down.  You should be fine now.

You were a binge drinker.

Oh chill out.  Every one of your friends drinks.

Do you not remember the chaos that alcohol created?  Do you really want to go back to all that?

Stop acting crazy.  Go buy a bottle of wine and think it over some more.

The door was closed for me.  I’m just going to say thank you God and walk away and keep my eye out for the doors He has opened.


Rubbing coins instead of clinking glasses

Well, I made it to the 3 month marker.  Today I will collect my 3 month chip.  Cause for celebration!  Sober celebration?  4 months ago I could have made a party out of this lovely occasion.  I would have made a party out of ANY occasion, though.  YAY!  The kids got on the bus.  Hooray!  I went to the grocery store.  Good job, Kristin!  You made the beds and folded a load of laundry.  Break out the wine!  Let’s party!

Today, however, I woke up, did my morning meditation, quizzed my kids on their spelling words, sent them off to school and went to my PiYo (Pilates and Yogo) class.  Although I have gotten some things accomplished, I don’t feel the need to clink glasses with myself over these mundane tasks.  I came home, made myself a second cup of coffee and sat down to think about what has transpired over the last few months.  I can’t help but think about what today would look like if I hadn’t stopped drinking.  However, I am choosing to focus on the gift of recovery.  Thanks to recovery I get to feel this moment.  I get to feel the joy, and the fear, wash over me.  Before I lived in a world of chaos.  I was right where I chose to be.  I delighted in the confusion.  It was a way to block myself from hearing what my soul was quietly whispering to me.  Now, not every day feels good.  Some days I am sad.  Some days I am angry.  But EVERY day I feel it.  Before I couldn’t wait for the time to come in the day when I would poor a glass of wine and get to slowly stop feeling.  I would gradually slip far away.  I would drink to cover up all of my feelings and how I percieved the world was treating me.  I was filled with feelings or anxiety, people pleasing, guilt and shame.  Funny thing is, I honestly thought that I really just wanted a glass of wine to “chill out.”  In actuality I was running as fast as I could with my fingers tips in my ears trying to silence that voice inside me.

I am learning how to quiet the world around me and still myself so I can hear that inner voice.   She is my moral compass.  She lets me know what is right and what is wrong, but she is always kind.  She holds me accountable, but she doesn’t beat me up.  She guides me with confidence, and encourages me to be honest above all else.  I used to lock her away in fear she would embarrass me.  For 40 years I shushed and restrained her, and now I let her sing and dance like no one is watching!  Today we are drinking club sodas and we are gonna feel it all.


Truth

Truth


Everything in moderation

Moderation isn’t something I ever practiced much.  I am finding out that it’s not what I did so much as it is the way in which I did it.

There is a reason I am an alcoholic.  I can’t have just one of anything.  I never have been able to.  If one is good, twenty is GREAT!  If one vitamin is good, than four will make me superwoman.  Although I am no longer a smoker and have not smoked in years, I was a hard core smoker.  It wasn’t that I enjoyed the taste or the smell of smoke, in fact; I didn’t like that part at all.  However, I smoked a pack and a half a day for 15 years.   I think I just loved having something to do.  It was something for me to obsess over.  I would think “When can I go out and have my next smoke?  How many do I have left?  Should I go buy some now so that I don’t have to stop later”?  Same thing with drinking.  It used to piss me off when someone would whip out one of those tiny wine glasses at a party.  Trying not to drink the whole glass at one time was difficult and filling it up all night made me feel like an alcoholic!

bucket

Looking back it is a pattern I have had most of my life.  I find that I am restless and at odds if I don’t have something to obsess over.  It is a form of numbing, a way of diverting my attention.  If I am constantly thinking about food, smoking, exercise or alcohol then I am not in my head thinking about life.  The obsession allows me to escape.  I don’t have to think about anything else.  I’m addicted to addiction.  If I stay sober long enough I will eventually become addicted to it as well.  Just as I am an annoying reformed smoker, a workout Nazi, and a newly crazed yogi, I will try and be the world’s best recovering alcoholic.   And this is why I am also a grateful member of al-anon.  🙂

I realize my behavior is not healthy.  It is something I am working on.  Before, if my kids made their beds I would just come behind and make them again.  If my husband cleaned the kitchen I would come out and after a quick inspection, wipe it down once more.  At Christmas time when I was making cookies with the kids, I didn’t allow them to do a whole lot more than watch in fear the cookies would be screwed up.    I could cite a thousand more examples but you get the point.  Um…excuse me bartender! I’ll have anxiety mixed with a splash of obsessive compulsive disorder and a twist of perfectionism on the rocks.

Last night at my Al-anon meeting the speaker was a “double winner”.  She said something that made me think.

She said “I practice Al-anon.  I never perfect it but I do practice it.  Some days I am on and some days I’m not, but every day I wake up and I practice”.

I liked that.  I keep looking around these meetings looking for the people that had mastered this stuff.  I just want someone to tell me how to fix it.  I want to overcome this and move on.  I’m not scared of a little hard work.  I’ve never backed down from a good fight.  So when the people in these rooms tell me just don’t drink today, and keep coming back, it really irritates me.   “What do you mean?  I’ll never perfect this stuff”?    No.  I won’t.  And although I may never have a perfect batting average, I have decided that every day I will show up ………..and I will practice!


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