Well, I made it to the 3 month marker. Today I will collect my 3 month chip. Cause for celebration! Sober celebration? 4 months ago I could have made a party out of this lovely occasion. I would have made a party out of ANY occasion, though. YAY! The kids got on the bus. Hooray! I went to the grocery store. Good job, Kristin! You made the beds and folded a load of laundry. Break out the wine! Let’s party!
Today, however, I woke up, did my morning meditation, quizzed my kids on their spelling words, sent them off to school and went to my PiYo (Pilates and Yogo) class. Although I have gotten some things accomplished, I don’t feel the need to clink glasses with myself over these mundane tasks. I came home, made myself a second cup of coffee and sat down to think about what has transpired over the last few months. I can’t help but think about what today would look like if I hadn’t stopped drinking. However, I am choosing to focus on the gift of recovery. Thanks to recovery I get to feel this moment. I get to feel the joy, and the fear, wash over me. Before I lived in a world of chaos. I was right where I chose to be. I delighted in the confusion. It was a way to block myself from hearing what my soul was quietly whispering to me. Now, not every day feels good. Some days I am sad. Some days I am angry. But EVERY day I feel it. Before I couldn’t wait for the time to come in the day when I would poor a glass of wine and get to slowly stop feeling. I would gradually slip far away. I would drink to cover up all of my feelings and how I percieved the world was treating me. I was filled with feelings or anxiety, people pleasing, guilt and shame. Funny thing is, I honestly thought that I really just wanted a glass of wine to “chill out.” In actuality I was running as fast as I could with my fingers tips in my ears trying to silence that voice inside me.
I am learning how to quiet the world around me and still myself so I can hear that inner voice. She is my moral compass. She lets me know what is right and what is wrong, but she is always kind. She holds me accountable, but she doesn’t beat me up. She guides me with confidence, and encourages me to be honest above all else. I used to lock her away in fear she would embarrass me. For 40 years I shushed and restrained her, and now I let her sing and dance like no one is watching! Today we are drinking club sodas and we are gonna feel it all.