Tag Archives: Alcoholic

Everything in moderation

Moderation isn’t something I ever practiced much.  I am finding out that it’s not what I did so much as it is the way in which I did it.

There is a reason I am an alcoholic.  I can’t have just one of anything.  I never have been able to.  If one is good, twenty is GREAT!  If one vitamin is good, than four will make me superwoman.  Although I am no longer a smoker and have not smoked in years, I was a hard core smoker.  It wasn’t that I enjoyed the taste or the smell of smoke, in fact; I didn’t like that part at all.  However, I smoked a pack and a half a day for 15 years.   I think I just loved having something to do.  It was something for me to obsess over.  I would think “When can I go out and have my next smoke?  How many do I have left?  Should I go buy some now so that I don’t have to stop later”?  Same thing with drinking.  It used to piss me off when someone would whip out one of those tiny wine glasses at a party.  Trying not to drink the whole glass at one time was difficult and filling it up all night made me feel like an alcoholic!

bucket

Looking back it is a pattern I have had most of my life.  I find that I am restless and at odds if I don’t have something to obsess over.  It is a form of numbing, a way of diverting my attention.  If I am constantly thinking about food, smoking, exercise or alcohol then I am not in my head thinking about life.  The obsession allows me to escape.  I don’t have to think about anything else.  I’m addicted to addiction.  If I stay sober long enough I will eventually become addicted to it as well.  Just as I am an annoying reformed smoker, a workout Nazi, and a newly crazed yogi, I will try and be the world’s best recovering alcoholic.   And this is why I am also a grateful member of al-anon.  🙂

I realize my behavior is not healthy.  It is something I am working on.  Before, if my kids made their beds I would just come behind and make them again.  If my husband cleaned the kitchen I would come out and after a quick inspection, wipe it down once more.  At Christmas time when I was making cookies with the kids, I didn’t allow them to do a whole lot more than watch in fear the cookies would be screwed up.    I could cite a thousand more examples but you get the point.  Um…excuse me bartender! I’ll have anxiety mixed with a splash of obsessive compulsive disorder and a twist of perfectionism on the rocks.

Last night at my Al-anon meeting the speaker was a “double winner”.  She said something that made me think.

She said “I practice Al-anon.  I never perfect it but I do practice it.  Some days I am on and some days I’m not, but every day I wake up and I practice”.

I liked that.  I keep looking around these meetings looking for the people that had mastered this stuff.  I just want someone to tell me how to fix it.  I want to overcome this and move on.  I’m not scared of a little hard work.  I’ve never backed down from a good fight.  So when the people in these rooms tell me just don’t drink today, and keep coming back, it really irritates me.   “What do you mean?  I’ll never perfect this stuff”?    No.  I won’t.  And although I may never have a perfect batting average, I have decided that every day I will show up ………..and I will practice!

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Today it’s all good

Well last week was a bit of an ass kicker. I was in a funk and I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I was so incredibly full of self pity. Poor me I can’t drink! Poor me I don’t go to happy hours ever again! Poor me I can’t drink with my neighbors in the street anymore. Poor me I can’t get lost in a bottle to make the time pass. Well I am glad to report I am OVER that self pity today. Good lord I was in it deep!

Today I say YAY me I haven’t had a drink in 77 days. Hooray for me! I play with my kids and do fun activities with my family. Go Kristin! I get to do all sorts of things I used to love like paint and write. These are things I lost all interest in when I drank. I have a life now. I wake up and have a whole day waiting for me to do something GREAT. My kids love that I LISTEN to them now. I pay attention to them. I laugh with them. My husband and I have a new relationship. My sister and I have fantastic talks about things that REALLY matter. I have always loved talking to her but now I have such an appreciation for the kind of relationship I have with her. She is my “temporary” sponsor while I am still in the process of finding a permanent one. Did I mention she is NOT an alcoholic but damn she can set me straight! 🙂

I just love accomplishing things….ANY things! When I drank I didn’t care so much about what got done and what didn’t.

Sponsor update! So I left a message because she didn’t pick up. Apparently she is out of town and will be returning today. Hopefully she will call me but if not, I am feeling brave enough to call her back. Before sobriety I would have looked at that as “stalking” her. Now I am learning to ask for help. I am just doing the work. I Wake up and thank God for the amazing life He has given me. I go to meetings! I call other women in the program. I do something creative. I do fun things! I just keep on doing it day after day. People in recovery tell me this is how it works so I am following direction. The other night after a meeting this man who was celebrating 32 years came up and hugged me. He congratulated me on 73 days. I said “Oh my gosh! I have nothing compared to you”. He said “Kid, it’s a lot harder to get 30 days than 32 years. You’re doing great. Keep doing it”! What an awesome thing to hear. I am so grateful for the amazing people God is placing right before me. Blessed am I.


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