- I water my plants. My beautiful flowers used to be dead by June. I was way more concerned with “wineing” me than “watering” them. My husband keeps telling me “Wow we have a great batch of flowers this year. They have really bloomed and lasted so much longer than in years past”. Hmmmm how miraculous?!
- I eat ice cream. This one kind of pisses me off. I never ate sweets before. Now I can’t get enough of them. I treat myself to this ridiculously good turtle sundae every Friday night after our couples’ AA meeting. Holy mother of God! I’m gonna stop right there because now I am craving one and it’s only Monday.
- I don’t cry over spilled milk. When my kids used to spill something it could send me over the edge. Today my daughter came up to me and said “Mom I spilled”. I told her “That’s okay. Guess what everybody spills”. She asked “Do you”? I said “Yep! I sure do”. Her smile melted me.
- I enjoy things besides drinking. Who knew? Don’t get me wrong. I was good at drinking….No I was GREAT at drinking. I had it down! I could find any excuse to drink and do it with the best of them. It took years to perfect my craft, but I did it, and I was quite good. Now I fill my time painting furniture, practicing yoga, taking pictures of my kids, writing blog entries, shopping for antiques, cooking and reading. I plan on working hard to become as good at these things as I was at drinking.
- I clean my house less. So I had a bit of a break through recently. I used to wake up hung over and would clean my house from top to bottom. It was like some sort of penance I would give myself. I also wanted you to think that I had it all together. I guess I felt out of control so I would control the things I could…..my house?! Now I have more important things to do. I would rather take my daughter to the park than fold the laundry. I don’t care anymore if you think I am not the perfect wife and mother. My kid thinks me pushing her on the swings is pretty great.
- I laugh with my kids. I always loved my kids. However, they did manage to get in the way of my drinking. A lot! They were cute and all but they would want to play and talk when all I wanted to do was have another glass of wine. Now I would give my right arm to get that time back. As much as I wish I could do it over, I can’t. So today I chose to laugh often with them. We dance, we play, and we act ridiculously silly. I could just drink that laughter through a straw.
- I love my dog. Okay don’t send me hate mail. I always liked him…well…a little. We got a dog about a year ago for our 3 daughters. Of course I am the one who takes care of the little mutt. I really wasn’t much of an animal lover before. To be quite honest, taking care of him was just another thing that took up time in my day that I could be drinking. However, now that I am not drinking, I really LOVE this dog. I love everything about him. I love getting up early and letting him out (being of service). I love taking him on walks (clearing my head). I love the way he follows me all over the house just to rest at my feet (loves me unconditionally). I love that he saw the really ugly me, that I hid from the world, and still thinks I’m pretty cool.
- I listen to my husband instead of planning my rebuttal. God this is BIG. More than I ever wanted to drink, I wanted to be right. I was never one to pass up a good argument. I could live off the victory of winning a disagreement for days. I didn’t care much what it was about, but the high of the win…..well that was just about ecstasy for me. Now I listen. I apologize when necessary. I even think my husband has a good point every now and then. 🙂
- I found friends that have real hobbies and interests. The people I used to hang out with and I, always shared the same hobbies and interests. DRINKING! We loved to get together and sit on someone’s patio for a drink. We would set up play dates just to drink. We would volunteer for things together so that we could drink. We would make an excuse just to stop by and stay for a quick drink. The friends I have now talk about their love of cooking, or writing, or singing, or gardening. These people are passionate about what they love to do. It makes me feel alive to hear them talk about their hobbies and the hundreds of things that interest them. Oh and an added bonus….now I can actually remember what they like to do. 🙂
- I don’t procrastinate. Oh my! Was I the queen of procrastination??? Well yes I was. 🙂 I used to have to get nice and loaded before doing things that I wasn’t interested in. I could put off picking up the phone and calling to make an appointment for weeks. Now if I have an important call to make, I just do it. I also cut all of my fruit when I get home from the grocery store instead of throwing away whole cantaloupes and watermelons at the end of the week.
- I workout with purpose…..well at least a different kind. I used to go to the gym to sweat out the toxins from the night before. Now I go to relax and to get STRONG! It makes me feel good that the regulars at my gym are not getting high from the fumes coming off of my hung over body. I’m a giver like that. 🙂
- I sleep like a baby. UGH! The anxiety alone was enough to make me want to kill myself. I would wake up with horrible 3 AM anxiety when I drank. You know the kind. I would think to myself….”Okay that’s it. No more drinking”! I could keep it up until about 4 PM the next evening when I would inevitably manage to get that absurd thinking out of my head. Crazy talk is all that is! Cheers! Repeat performance night after night. I had a longer run than Cats did on Broadway! Now I close my eyes at night with no regrets, I quickly fall asleep until I am awoken by my 3 year old. Quietly she taps me on my shoulder at 7 AM and says, “Mom I’m ready for breakfast”.
Tag Archives: drinking
71 days I ago I had my last drink. Okay I had my last 6 drinks. Vodka to be exact. The whole bottle. (They were big drinks). It was a low I don’t think I will quite forget. No matter how hard I try to block that day from my head I believe deep down that God made it all unfold the way it did. He wants me to remember that day. He wants me to feel that shame and pain. He also wants me to move forward.
I am a wife and a mother of three beautiful little girls (sweet girls that have probably seen too much). I pretended to be the perfect mother. I pretended to have it all together. Every move I made was to keep my authentic self hidden from the world. Success for me was not letting anyone know who I really was. As much as I controlled and pretended to be perfect, my life was completely out of control.
I woke up each morning hung-over. I would make the kids breakfast, snack and lunches for the day. Run around and clean up the kitchen, start the laundry and head to the gym. I would volunteer at my kids’ school. I would tell myself “No one who had an addiction to alcohol could do all of that”.
Every occasion became an occasion to drink or the truth was I created occasions so that I could drink. I would drink on trips to take my kids apple picking, I drank at school talent shows, I drank at CYC soccer games, I drank as we walked my kids around to Trick or Treat. It seemed normal. Drinking was legal after all and I was of legal drinking age.
So here I am. How in the hell did I get here? Part of a club of people I never wanted to join and yet the very same people who are saving me from myself. I am grateful to be a part of this community of recovering alcoholics. Each day I have to surrender and let people see ME. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I have feelings of jealousy and am more insecure than I was in high school. I am so worried I will be left out. No one will like me anymore. My friends will abandon me. I am a 40 year old woman and I can’t shake this feeling.
So today I am grateful for you! All of you out there who share your stories of recovery, who send messages of hope, who make me laugh a lot! THANK YOU! Thank you for showing up and being real and allowing me to be real right back atcha!